DAY 3 - EVERY CLOUD

Once again I had a restless but relatively stress-free night’s sleep, tossing, turning and tossing some more. In my dreams I achieved freedom; not as in previous days - by imagining I was a prisoner being released from incarceration, but this time as a naturally 'free-being'.

In the darkness of my slumber I imagined myself as an Orca, (a killer whale for those who don’t watch David Attenborough programmes) and I could feel myself thrusting through the expansive darkness of the North Pacific Ocean; propelling myself forward through the unconfined but icy cold waters in search of food.

Occasionally I would breach – revealing myself in my resplendent monochromatic glory above the surface of the tempestuous ocean.

The only spectators of my majesty would be the black-footed albatrosses (indigenous bird species of the North Pacific) who inhabited these waters. As quickly as I had surfaced I would descend back into the murky gloom in the hope that I might find a squid upon which I could feast. (Squid is about as good as it gets for an Orca, which is equal to Calamari in terms of its rubbery, shit excuse for human seafood)

But as I awoke from my dreams on my second morning of COVID-induced solitude, with an initial sense of exhilaration, (which had been aroused by the dream of me as an Orca; my hairless body pushing itself through the waves). I glimpsed through bleary eyes the repetitious confines of my miserable and wretched self-isolation, the same Peloton+ Exercise bike, the same Nuova Simonella Oscar II Espresso maker, and the same Sony 65” smart TV (with surround sound).

As you will imagine I was initially despondent, but then I suddenly realised that the free Orcas of the Northern Pacific weren't the only Orcas to inhabit our planet. I realised that there were was more to being a Killer Whale than endlessly swimming through the freezing Ocean on the off-chance you might find a squid. I suddenly imagined myself as an Orca at the world famous tourist attraction, ‘Sea World’ in California.

But what was the difference?

Whilst the expansive 63 million square miles of the North Pacific Ocean had been replaced by 350 foot long glass tanks; the first thing I felt was warmth on my hairless whale-skin.

Gone was the freezing cold of the North Pacific, instead it was replaced by a constant 27 degree air temperature courtesy of the baking hot California sun.

Gone was my instinctive desire to hunt for prey – all I had to do was get down the front of the tank into the ‘splash-zone’ and shower the smug, animal-hating, Trump-loving, red-neck, half-wits with semi-stagnant pond water – and I was given 140 lb’s of semi frozen fish bits.

But that’s not where the benefits ended. In the so-called ‘free-world’ of the North-Pacific Ocean my only companions were the other 50 killer whales which formed my ‘pod’ – (where a pod is defined as being ‘an extended family containing maternal groups composed of mothers and their offspring”) and the occasional black-footed albatross. Not the most scintillating company, as you'll appreciate.

Imagine therefore, how happy I was when I arrived at Sea World to meet my new ‘Pod’. The companions that I would eventually come to know as my ‘keepers’; Blake, Lance, Brandy and Candice, who at half past three every weekday afternoon (and twice on a weekend) would ride me like a surfboard round the 350 ft tank whilst waving enthusiastically at the red-necks in the splash zone in return for an additional 100 lb’s of semi frozen fish bits.

It was as a consequence of this particularly long and drawn out metaphor – that I realised captivity and confinement had its benefits. That if all you had to look forward to in life was Calamari, then there had to be a better alternative - especially if it came in the form of Brandy and Candice.

And so for me locked in my small self-isolation tank in Burley-in-Wharfedale I am starting to realise that self-isolation is actually alright. It may not be a thing to be feared; instead it has, like for the performing Killer Whales of The Sea Life Centre San Diego, a sense of opportunity.

It wasn’t long into the day for this to be confirmed. Julia has had the day from hell in terms of building work; with significant activity on both the front and back doors.

Thankfully given my infectious state, my sole role throughout the aforementioned building activity was to look after the cats, which was not difficult given all I had to do was crank up the heating and induce them into a lethargic state of slumber. In the meantime Julia had to oversee the fitting of a new front door some bi-folds and clean up after them.

The second moment when I realised my confinement could actually be a good thing was when Jack and Charley turned up with an early birthday present from Otis (our superstar Grandson).

As the now proud custodian of a 60 bag box of Walkers crisps, the only question is whether they will last until the end of my period of self-isolation. As I look at them and think back to my Orca dream, I am reminded of the 140 lbs of semi frozen fish bits.

Part of me is thinking that I deserve them, but I’m also minded that I haven’t performed in the Splash Zone for quite some time.

But then to surpass everything a car pulled up outside the house. I’m not allowed to go near the windows, even when I’m not ‘with Virus’, but I inquisitively strained to see who it was. In my Corona-ravaged and fevered state of mind I thought I heard the Landlord – Stuart - of my favourite pub – The Red Lion, saying “…..two pints of Moretti…….”.

I withdrew from the window – the hallucination was vivid, but I knew it was futile for me to believe it possible. It would have been like my keeper throwing me another 100 lbs of semi frozen fish bits, without me having first swum round the tank on my back clapping my flippers together in mock applause of the human audience.

But then Julia ascended the staircase, with a two pint Tetrapak of Moretti and a card that made me realise that Sea World shits on the North Pacific - on most levels apart from scale.

As a final point - I’d please like people to be aware that ‘Blogging’ is a potentially viral method of marketing, and that should any local or national retailers want to send me any or all of the following items I will be happy to mention you in a future blog.

1. Mark Spalls Stand Pie

2. Chevin Cycles - Helmet Lamp

3. Louis Vuitton mobile phone case cover (iphone 12)

4. Rideaway taxi voucher (£10)

5. Kamrans voucher for £5.00 (which will cover the fiver I owe him because I didn’t have any cash the other night)